We’re trying to see the world from a Brown point of view, so naturally, this includes Christmas too. Even though he’s based on the legendary Saint Nicolas, let’s face it – Santa isn’t real. Sorry if I broke your bubble, but this is 2017. The year of bubble bursting.
So if he isn’t real… He can be anything we want him to be!
In the real fake legend of Christmas, this is the true story of the Durban Santa…
– He’d wear a red Manchester United shirt and probably look like Sameer’s girlfriend’s father from Mohabbatein.
– Your parents would probably make you call him, “Santa Uncle,” or “Christmas Father.”
– Jingle Bells would be replaced with “Feeling Hot Hot Hot”, and the Brown Version of Santa Baby would be “I get the Stekkies.”
– Goodbye, Reindeer. Santa Uncle drives a GTI with sub woofers.
He spends his spare time driving around Lugs, blasting his tunes and creating Christmas ambiance.
– Santa Uncle also has no elves. Instead, white Maltese Poodles who can magically speak (with a thumbi accent) will be doing his will. And Rudolph’s new name will be Tiger.
The rest are named Snowy, Fluffy, Baby… and I forget the rest.
– As opposed to the North Pole, Santa Uncle will now be living in Tongaat, right behind the highest sugarcane hill, where no human or cane rat ever goes.
– Since Maltese Poodles can’t actually make toys… Santa Uncle buys his gifts on Black Friday from Checkers. Sometimes, they will even still be in a blue packet!
– You won’t be leaving cookies and milk out for this guy.
Chevda and a tall glass of Coke will do just fine.
– He’s probably going to come to your house on Christmas day, for the free food.
There’s no mystery here. Also his real name is Selvin. Selvin Krismas.
– Santa Uncle is friends with your father, and generally comes over whenever there’s a match on. Whenever he screams “GOOAAAL!!!”
It vaguely sounds like “Ho, Ho, HOOOOOOOO!”
– One time, Selvin was working for a toy company in Springfield, and they gave him all the spare toys because his other colleagues had all gone on holiday. The moment he gave those toys to his friend’s kids… the legend was born.
– Santa Uncle loves to crack jokes, which most of the time, are really dry.
But we laugh anyway, because he’s not racist, sexist, or homophobic, he always brings gifts, and in the true spirit of the special day, he reminds of that special feeling we get, when all our loved ones are together for the holidays once more.
So this Christmas Eve, listen closely.
You’ll hear the sound of little doggie collar bells, and Santa Uncle whispering “Ke Dezemba” into the Durban night sky…